Dear Darlings,
Inner Scapes is a group show on Santa Fe Ave in Denver where myself and 2 other artists shared studio space for 3 months and created a small collection to showcase our inner scapes. As part of my gallery wall I included a long format, stream of consciousness writing I typed on my typewriter while I was working on the large painting entitled She Sees the Sky in Blue /51x45" / Ink, tread, wax sticks.
The viewer was able to witness into my thoughts, and inner dialogue while viewing the painting. Below is what I had written on the brown paper.
i'm up to it again, again, my shit.I'm up to me shit again. i'm killing flies, and fighting the bureaucracy inside, the competition is relentless. all i want to do is be me, express as me, and yet who is me. the me my mother raised to be a broken hearted, man hating feminist , the me fighting to be seen and heard in a sea of seagulls all flying around shitting in the air. fuck it, i'll go back to killing flies. i press them into the linen here, next to you, or me, now i'm writing to the audience. there's dead fly juice upon my guilt and my art, my expression. my innerscape poured into existence, to be shared and witnessed. it's all a mess, in all the fury of what it is to be human. i am back to killing flies this is what i am right now, and i'm proud of that because it's something. it may not be my dead fathers dream for me, i'll go ask him. i know he wouldn't want me pressed between who they want me to be and who I am. or will be. or already am. pressed between fear and expansion, this rite of passage may be one of the scariest, pushing through fear, to be vulnerable. hopefully Brene Brown is proud. she never tells you vulnerability is like a volcano erupting, those growing pains tearing new entry ways into the earth, burning down trees, of my existence. burning down all the conditioning just so a new sprout can be birthed, a painful birth,of rawness and freedom. my jugular exposed. dang this is heavy where them flies. i often avoid nothing, i'm willing to take the risk, take the leap of faith to always be caught. leaping is the only way, but i really wish my wings would dry out so that it could be simpler. i think honestly, i'm afraid noone will like me, and i'll be thrown out with the trash. i'm pretty sure as an artist i'm supposed to be confident, show you all my pretty polished work, but any good artist is scared. as shit inside writhing in psychological agony over this or that. maybe that's why we've all become water'd, down versions of ourselves, perhaps y'all are also scared you'll be thrown out with the trash. typical, my unworthyness card is coming in to speak. hi folks, i'm the part of her that's scared shitless she'll put this up on the wall, please don't, we'll look like a fool, we'll be judged and burned alive. this is the part of me that keeps me silent, tells me to play the game, do it this certain way, don't be too loud, don't be too weird, please don't tell them you also talk to the dead. I think we have the bones for a good play here. but don't fret, i'll put an artful tag on this telling you all it's art. and part of me will feel better, or maybe 1'1l just keep disrupting my nervous system and let it be seen and exposed, it being me, clearly. this being me clearly! i think, i often talk in riddles to feel safe, not talk but write and talk, and create art with hidden meaning, somehow its easier that way, but not this time, i'll tend to my nervous system and let it all come here, you, with me. weire all crying on the inside. or most of us i believe. i'm choosing to be brave, so the rest of you don't have to. i'm going back to killing flies now, there's still a few around.
Sharing art with the world is akin to exposing a piece of your soul. Nude, wiggly, vulnerable. Sharing a page from your morning pages, just as risky, if not more so. As jarring as it can be, I choose to walk the line of venerability. This work was met with deep gratitude, and thanks by many who witnessed it. I am grateful to all that take the time to enter my inner world, to be alongside me even if for a few moments.
